I am bent, but not broken.
I am scarred, but not disfigured.
I am sad, but not hopeless.
I am tired, but not powerless.
I am angry, but not bitter.
I am depressed, but not giving up! 

Unknown

My summer started off and ended quickly with a hard fall on concrete that resulted in a fractured pelvic bone. It wasn’t even the fourth of July, but I knew it was bad when I saw shooting stars and couldn’t move. After the X-rays showed a “small” fracture, I thought I could be moving in a week or so and still be able to walk on the beach. Hard pain and reality set in and it was a full six weeks before I could walk on my own.

My lament to myself and God went like this: “I broke my life,” resulting in lots of painful reflection, praying out loud to God, wrestling against my demons, and humbly accepting the time it takes to heal in body and spirit. It continues to be a learning process in a relationship much like a story in Genesis of Jacob wrestling with God.

“The sun rose above Jacob as he passed Peniel,
and he was limping because of his hip.

Genesis 32:31

The story of Jacob wrestling with God and having his hip bent out of place resulting in a permanent limp actually starts with a promise to his grandfather Abraham. Abraham, is the prophet recognized as the father of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. Our common legacy begins with God’s promise: “I will make of you a great nation and I will bless you and make your name great so that you will be a blessing.” Notice the words “so that.” God’s work in our lives is not so much for the benefit of one nation or person but so that as we obey the voice of God, we will bless and care for the other.

We learn that Jacob, Abraham’s grandson, has stolen the birthright blessing from his brother Esau and is running away from a dangerous family problem born of his own trickery.  Yet God keeps his promise of blessing to Jacob and says “I am with you and will keep you wherever you go.” This is so reassuring as I face the consequences of both falling and being fallen.

In spite of the assurance of blessing, Jacob must face his brother Esau and all the dysfunction in the family and himself, and attempt to restore broken relationships. In great fear he spends a night alone, “wrestling” with a man, who might be an angel of the Lord God. Like many of our battles between both human and divine, neither fighter was winning until the one wrestling with Jacob seized the advantage “touching his hip socket and putting it out of joint.”  This wounding opens Jacob’s eyes to recognize the one wrestling as God, and in awe he declares, “I have seen God face to face,” and quickly adds, “I won’t let go until you bless me.”

God was with him in the wounding and the blessing, all for his glory and purpose of walking in relationship with his children. As the story ends, Jacob slowly limps away, with the sun rising on a new day. Jacob is now awake with his human wounded-ness and the blessing of sacred connection to the Divine who sees and knows.

Reflect. Many times, I have been awake in the night, “wrestling” with the blanket, myself, and with God, wanting, needing answers, healing, and peace. The morning often reveals the resulting limp of the struggle, a reminder of my humanity, my sin, and the need for blessing.

What question, loss, or pain has you wrestling with God? Where have you been “limping” or struggling in unanswered prayer?

Pray. Pray now that you will see God’s face in the light of a new day. Read these verses out loud as a prayer:

The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
 Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
 but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40

It may look like I’m broke, but I’m healing!! (Love this line in No Shame) Sing it!